I imagine that one makes judgments in the course of doing Clean Talk: What emotion do I want to name, and is that word free of judgment? Rosenberg refuses to say the conventional things about violence to try to disrupt the static thinking about this topic that ultimately leads to nowhere near as good an outcome as he believes would otherwise be possible. These seem analogous to the sort of judgments that you are concerned about an NVC practitioner not expressing. Folding your arms, tensing your jaw, squinting, looking disgusted, balling up your fists, fidgeting in an irritated way, and rolling your eyes are all behaviors that make you seem closed off, hostile, and unwilling to communicate. Is it that?". If you do not wish to use optional cookies, please read our, You can report a spam IP or email address. Gain access to our free classifieds marketplace to buy, sell and trade equipment. This framework offers a reliable basis for seeing beauty and nobility in all people and in every part of our psyche an intellectual framework that, when it is exercised fully, inevitably leads people to experience love and compassion. As an NVC practitioner, I engage my moralistic judgments and transform them into a more holistic and humane way of thinking about situations. 30, 33, 72, 86, 122, etc.).. But, practices like The Work of Byron Katie engage more directly in helping people to break free of the traps their beliefs set for them. Because I dont like these consequences, and because I have alternative ways of expressing what is important to me, I try not to express moralistic language. What judgment (of the 5 that are lurking in the background) is it important to name? This matches what Clean Talk advocates for, albeit with an extra stage of checking first before offering judgments. Clean communication means keeping your voice as close to your normal tone and volume as possible. There is an intermediate step, if one hasnt gone through this sort of processing: One can remind oneself that our anger isnt the full truth of the situation, and that the blame component of what we feel is only there because we havent done the work to understand the situation more deeply. What NVC is concerned about, in part, is the dynamic of sabotaging self-trust that can get set up when we assume that there is an objective truth about what is good and bad and that we are able to deliver authoritative judgments about this goodness/badness. It is the norm for some people to get their way (superficially) and for others to submit, or for overt or covert rebellion to happen. Note to self: Maybe there would be value in articulating when speaking about discernment would have value. Its easier to associate with our own inner wisdom about what works for us. Neither usage is intended to imply the sort of connotations conventionally associated with distinctions between wants and needs. Avoiding the word need when using NVC helps reduce the chances of people making these (understandable) associations with these words that are spurious to the actual intention. You write "Without expressing judgments, for example, how do I share my most precious beliefs with my children or those I teach or mentor? Your partner might say, Hmmm, thats an interesting way to do it, when they really mean, Youre doing it wrong. Or for example, you might say to your wife, And here you are finally, late as usual. Youre pretending to make a straightforward observation, but youre really mixing in your judgments, thoughts, and feelings. Im not clear on to what extent this is a limit of NVC vs. being a limit of our practices of it. So, he made extreme statements intended to shock people out of overly head-oriented habits. Im curious about the apparent intensity of wanting to know more (you say, "I have questions"), with regard to some of these examples. It's that role that Rosenberg tries to draw people's attention to. Some of the feelings words you express concern about point to experiences that point to particular physiological responses which I would feel regretful if it became forbidden to name them. NVC has an implicit premise that our culture overly encourages us to use strategies that have an adversarial nature, and that we would often be more likely to enjoy what happens if we act from a state of mind informed by empathic insight and compassionwhile still fully honoring what is important to us. And, I have occasionally had experiences of people making concrete requests in ways that did seem to narrow the conversation to a limited set of options in a way I didnt enjoy. For NVC to offer rigid rules would not be congruent with the type of attitudes NVC hopes to foster in its practitioners. I think NVC discourages the use of moralistic judgments because they are entrenched tools of coercion and battling for domination, and NVC is about shifting out of a paradigm where one engages in those sort of activities. Maybe I would need to see some examples of what you would enjoy better, to sense into the advantages. One way of expressing the concern behind NVCs advice on this is that it can be harmful to praise or offer compliments that imply that there is an objective standard of goodness and that the speaker is entitled to pronounce judgments on behalf of that objective standard. So, I would translate the issue you raise to something like, would it be beneficial if NVC encourage people to try to reveal how they would benefit from what they say they want? Instead, he offers to say, 'I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means. I think Rosenberg is trying to disrupt the well-worn mental grooves that eventually lead to condemnation. Products Bestsellers. Without anger, I wouldn't know that someone had crossed my boundaries, invaded my privacy without my permission, blamed me for something that wasn't my fault, taken advantage of me, 'put one over on' me, or 'crossed a line.' The best for a personal blog or small or medium size business website. It can easily encourage precisely the sort of good/bad dichotomous thinking NVC means to transform. NVC isnt a narrow tool that is just about communication; in some way, its more like developing a meditation practice. Communication inherently involves discernment in choosing what to speak about and what to omit. The examples you site are arguably examples where the need was not named as clearly as it might have been, or were named in ways that left you wanting to know more. My experience in experienced NVC circles has been that what I interpret as leakage" shows up in ways that seem much more subtle than what you present in your examples. I imagine trying to express all such judgments as leading to an infinite regress, and I can't imagine how it could be viable to assert that it would be necessary or beneficial to express these. So, paradoxically, because of my belief that the world would be better if there were less violence, I feel worried about endorsing conventional patterns of condemning of violence. I think he was trying to express his sense that a certain stance of the heart was the true key to navigating human relationships in a way that would align with our deepest aspirations. (NVC, p.151) and". Please feel free to discard whatever is not useful to you. But when you lead with that blame, the instigator will instantly erect walls of defensiveness that will make working through the issue together impossible. Dr. Rosenberg used these terms in a humorous, affectionate way, and that context often mitigated some of the risks for those who got the energy from which he was speaking. I don't have a sense that this is a problem that commonly arises in the ways that people try to put NVC into practice, but I would be interested to learn if it occurs more commonly than I'm currently aware of. Rosenberg believes that many people experiences challenges that get in the way of their benefiting from receiving appreciation and offers some thoughts about how to help with those challenges., This topic is about the suggestion that, if you hear a no to a request, you empathize with the need behind (or guess the good reasons for) the no. Our service allows you to focus your time on developing and improving the website and business, without being distracted by extraneous tasks. NVC does, I think, invite us to examine more closely certain beliefs, especially beliefs that we think we can only express in moralistic terms. (This seems somewhat similar to Clear Talks position that people would do well to own what you want for you.). I'm feeling irritated, wanting logic that I can make sense of, especially when I hear that logic coupled to words I interpret as suggesting the violation of values I hold dear. Reuters, Zurich. 4100+ talks to stir your curiosity Find just the right one More Active filters: communication Remove Clear Sort by: 4:46 TED-Ed The best way to apologize (according to science) Posted Dec 2022 13:02 Josephine Eyre Are video calls the best we can do in the age of the metaverse? ", Angry is similarly a word that tends to hold an implication that someone did something to us, and also points to a distinctive experience that isnt easy to accurately name in another way. The communicative 'affordances and constraints' of BIM structured meeting conversations away from less structured, open-ending problem-solving and towards agenda-driven problem-solving around. We might then name I feel angry but in a way that energetically does not dump our anger onto the other person, because we trust that the anger doesnt represent our deepest truth. I don't know how to make sense of a standard that would imply we have to (impossibly) say everything we are doing, or be judged as being violent. I perceive the demonstration as being about refraining from interacting until we can interact in a way that we trust is more likely to be productive. CleanTalk Awards. New Dawn Works has 4.5 stars. You write "I believe judgment makes it possible for us to grow emotionally and spiritually by allowing us to distinguish how we act from how we wish to act. In NVC, this process is supported through the naming of needs, which are essentially values that we want to live into. NASA said Wednesday it awarded $425 million to Boeing Co. for the agency's "Sustainable Flight Demonstrator" project as the Biden administration works to cut aviation sector emissions. Buy It Now. Your visitors are more loyal and not annoyed guessing characters or puzzles. Your demeanor can truly be wielded like a weapon. Consider your first example, in which I ask you to buy milk on your way home, and I hear you say you will, and you arrive home without it. Checking in with yourself about your own needs, you realize that your upset is linked to how much it would support ease and comfort in your relationship to have dependability, and trust that each of us will do what we say well do. Convenient registration/commenting forms increase the number of registrations. Considering the three beliefs you named, the one that stimulates a little concern in me is I think what I did was wrong. It all depends on what associations you have with an action being wrong. If you associate being wrong with I deserve to be punished and to suffer, then I would be concerned that this belief may amount to a type of violence towards self that may ultimately contribute to there being more violence in the world. cisco sd-wan cloud onramp for saas deployment guide clean talk communication. You suggest that Clean Talk recommends using Clean Talk only in specific situations, while Dr. Rosenberg seems to recommend using NVC all the time. This doesnt match my reading of what Rosenberg says he says (p. 8) its applicable in a wide variety of contexts, which is not the same as saying one should use it all the time.. (NVC, p.110). But what actually comes out of our mouths may only be a slice of that bigger picture a partial fragment that is then misconstrued by our partner. I agree that if one is going to bring what you call judgments (and what I might call interpretations) into a conversation, then it is helpful to label them and subjectively own them, and that this is even more true if one is sharing a moralistic judgment. I imagine it as a practical question, that need not have any deeper meaning. Through proven brand-building strategies, we position companies for success on the journey from brand awareness to brand loyalty. I am also intrigued by the ideas of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (PNDC), as developed by Sharon Strand Ellison. Checks the existing comments and users for spam, We use cookies to provide our services and analyze site usage in accordance with our Privacy Policy. Work opportunities - job leads that maybe in your area. You offer some example of how (moralistic) judgments can leak out. Podcast #862: Heal the Body With Extended Fasting, Podcast #761: How Testosterone Makes Men, Men, How Saunas Can Help Save Your Body, Mind, and Spirit, Podcast #852: The Brain Energy Theory of Mental Illness, The Insanely Difficult Standards of Historys Hardest P.E. I feel frustrated reading this, in the way that it seems to misinterpret what NVC is advising us to do or not do. If one combines the assertions Joe did something violent and Violence is harmful and the implicit Harming is bad and wrong, then it is a slippery slope to condemning Joe and thinking that this is right and natural. You further say, "Yet, in making these judgments, we never say that we're doing so. I recommend to my NVC students that they not use the word need when attempting to speak using NVC, to help avoid this pitfall. This talk through window allows for both visual and oral communication even when mounted in a solid wall. Do you think you could make more of an effort to be on time?. Global labels can feel highly satisfying to hurl at someone when youre angry and can seem completely justifiable at the time. ALONG WITH . It seems to me that sometimes the words are impeccable, but there is an energetic quality that leads to conversations not being fully alive, not flowing and evolving in a way that leads to shifts in individuals and warm connection growing between people. Acknowledging our judgments, without feeding" them, and attending to what they point to in a different way. You mention Rosenberg's "suggestion that we guess what the other person is feeling and needing, which seems to assume the other person isn't capable of describing it, and therefore rather condescending." This pattern ends in thinking Joe is wrong and deserves to be punished without ever considering other aspects of the situation, such as Joe making a tragic choice in order to address something that we could probably all agree was important to address, and our collectively modeling the use of violence as the way we address conflict, and so on. For, example, if were paraphrasing in response to something someone has expressed (usually something more substantial than just no), we might say, Could I check to see if Im getting what youre saying? Also, expressing two different levels of "wants" may help "connect the dots" regarding the meaning one is making out of a situation, in a way that expressing only one level (even if it is at a deep "need" level) might not. Speak about and what to omit labels can feel clean talk communication satisfying to at! For example, you can report a spam IP or email address would do well own. 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