We're so glad you're here. I've got some good topics coming up. Im very sorry for your loss. I dont know how much time we have left with my grandfather before he is reunited with my mom. We hosted a memorial service at Western Hills Church of Christ in Austin, Texas. Nina and Grandma Pauline A lovely heartfelt story, that just goes to show how everyones life is fascinating. I was desperate to be wild in grief and my coke-snorting bestie was my ticket to fun. When I was first asked to share a few words in honor of my grandmother, I was tempted to wind back the clock about ten years. The reason is that my mothers mother, my Grandma Sugiyama, passed away on Christmas Eve. The good memories, the meaningful memories that we have of Pat are of her younger, more vivacious years. She had been a resident at our home on Westbourne Road since 2015. When words fail, music comes through and pulls us all in. We held the funeral yesterday and I gave the eulogy. I sat on her bed and held her hand. Grandmas love for the Lord Jesus was never personal or private, as many in our modern liberal culture would like to keep it. Then the war. That is how we will always remember her. But then I realized that winding back the clock would be exactly the wrong thing to do on a day like this. What a life she had and what a blessing she was to you and you to her. I didnt really take time to grieve, and, to be honest, I thought I had already finished [], [] in Rockport on the Texas coast. I know what I've found out so far has made a huge difference in my own life. I finally found peace after Alzheimers disease. As Grandma lost her memory these last few years, she often mistook my daughter Mio for me; it took her a while sometimes to connect the adult I am now with the child she used to take care of. But I didnt ask, and she couldnt really answer anyway. I felt I was able to reach her in that moment. We are still grieving, but also returning to good memories for comfort. Eulogy for a Grandmother I'm not sure how you begin to talk about a life that spanned nearly a centurya woman whose time included half a dozen wars, The Great Depression, and 17 different presidents. [], [] This Sunday will bemy second Mothers Day since my mother died. Queer cripple with a PhD. : A Preschoolers Guide to Losing A Loved One. Saying goodbye to my mother. Your love for her, your tender descriptions of her, your understanding and compassion for her wartime experiences and your tribute to her character are so beautifully written. []. But know Im thinking of you and thanks so much for sharing. I remember crying as I sat next to her, holding her hand. Did I really need to get attached and then lose my stepmom to colon [], [] Before I had babies, the last diaper I changed was my mothers. I wish we had taken a picture of the three of us that day. As a beneficiary of that love and of Grandmas legacy, I am grateful. He remarked at her graveside that how we live now, going forward, is part of her legacy. Shed experienced a bad fall, and Id come to see her at the hospital. If you ask my four kids about their memory of Grandma, theyll likely talk about Thanksgiving 2 years ago. I Met My Fianc in a Modern Loss Support Group, By Shelby Forsythia in My Loss, Personal Essays. Keep being Mommy. I slept well that night for the firsttimesince the hospice nurse had told us the end was near. Vincent OKeefe is a writer and stay-at-home father with a Ph.D. in American literature. I will continue to write this column every week, because it's important to put this information in front of people, and to keep it in front of them. I didnt know I would say goodbye to my mother eight days after I wrote Keep Me In Your Heart: A Fathers Day Wish. She had a fall on the 20th of December that fractured her pelvis and back, and she was in hospital. I always wondered what made him such a great man and reading your eulogy gives me insight into his upbringing. She couldnt read, couldnt even enjoy a TV show because her short-term memory didnt allow her to retain a plot line. Because there were so many of us, we grew up in a noisy family. [], [] After awaiting your passing and the end of your suffering for so long, I had no idea I would miss visiting you so much, even though you couldnt respond to me. I spent the rest of that week scanning photos of my beautiful mother and finalizing details for her funeral services. I expected the agonizing wait to continue. My years of worry, tears, and constant attachment to my cell phone, expecting calls from nurses in the middle of the night, were over. Her family was drastically set back by the confiscation of all their property. Tras la muerte de mi mam, encontr un nuevo significado en mi color favorito de siempre. When Id ask about my grandfather, Norman, who died in his late 50s in a plane crash on his way to Japan, shed remind me that I was named after him. The grieving process is a long one, and never truly over, but hope your memories are helping to ease the sadness. 5 Things to Do Before Visiting a Psychic Medium, 10 Ways to Overcome Grief-Related Anxiety, The 9 Things No One Tells You About Scattering Ashes, The Movement to Bring Death Closer [NYT Magazine], He Met George Floyd in Sixth Grade. She took me to church with her, to the Japanese United Church on Victoria Drive, where I met other children with similar backgrounds, and ate homemade udon noodles at the church bazaars. Read more about Lauren. She had developed a tendency to remember and talk in loops of repeating information, but we were kind of on the same track. But Grandma, who I never heard say shoganai, nevertheless lived shoganai, working hard to move on with her life and to leave the past behind. She showed me patience. A lot of the Japanese culture that I retain, as a fourth-generation Japanese Canadian, came from her. Thank you. I still dream about her often. In the last few years of Grandma Paulines life, my older two kids, around 6 and 8 at the time, were confused about why we had to make time to see her. She's her old self again, happy and vibrant and sharp as a whip. When I launched this column, I promised myself that once a year, on the anniversary of her death, I would devote the column to her memory. So I go after dementia the way it went after my mother -- relentlessly, clinically, unrepentantly. Thank you. She cultivated refinement in her surroundings and her person. With tears in her eyes, she said, We are very special to each other, arent we? We talked about the sleepovers, lunches, and other happy times. When confronted with the question of why, Mom laughed and said: I dont know. My 83-year-old mother has dementia. A few days later, her daughters were with her when she passed; I hope she felt their presence, their love and loyalty to her. My grief for her really for myself is making me so tired. But then I realized that would be exactly the wrong approach. After some debate, my family elected me to compose and deliver the eulogy. Out of loyalty to our relationship and because it was the right thing to do, I spent time with my grandmother whenever I came to Chicago to see my parents. She had a sense of the ridiculous and was always ready to laugh over anything silly. Maybe some short stories. She traveled Europe, South East Asia and Japan, and made many trips to the U.S. also. You were unusually alert. All rights reserved. We had a very different Christmas this year and I havent been able to post anything, despite having read many books. The Japanese expression shoganai means something like it cant be helped; its a verbal shrug and is often invoked to describe a traditional resignation and acceptance of fate, an attitude in Japanese culture which allowed them to move on with their lives. Grandpa would say: Grandma, no singing at the table. And then it would happen again. But this is my news, and my eulogy for my Grandma. We are hoping to move him into a nursing home closer to my grandmother early next week. After grandpa died, Grandma began to travel and explore the world. We are so happy with his improvement, despite his spinal injury. Your email address will not be published. We were all sitting around the table and Grandma kept breaking into song the same song over and over again. One of her lungs had failed and she was no longer conscious. You should write more about her. By Tullan Holmqvist in My Loss, Personal Essays. She taught her daughters to dress nicely and I think I can attribute some of my dress sense to my put-together grandmother. It strips away the layers of etiquette and social pretense that most of us have learned to operate with. Im more like my grandfather. And then I wrote her eulogy. Very moving. A cheerful heart has a continual feast (Proverbs 15:15). But dementia doesn't care. And in her later years, when the more complex aspects of her personality had faded, her joyful faith in Jesus remained. And now that I can only reach back through the memories, I promise to share the best ones I have with my children and, God-willing, with my grandchildren and great-grandchildren. It helped me maintain my connection to my mother while she was still alive and also helped me to say goodbye and honor her memory when she passed. He is writing a memoir on gender and parenting. From what you said, shes more like my grand ma. He told me later that he told her we would all be okay. Canny Geordie Meaning, With the outbreak of war with Japan, like others in the Japanese Canadian community she was sent with her father, her mother and her younger brother Sid, to a prison camp for the duration of the war. Again, a sensory memory of security became the most indelible legacy of a loving parent. She showed me much love and kindness. As many of you know, for the last ten years or so, Grandma has suffered from dementia and memory loss, such that in her latter days she was a shadow of her former self. But then, in January, my parents called with news that she had contracted pneumonia. It's far more personal. Two years ago, Harold and Pat came to my church for the first time ever. She taught me a Japanese childrens song; although I couldnt understand the words, I loved singing with her. Its difficult today to fully comprehend the pain of this experience, and how it affected our community. I cant say for sure what her memory and consciousness were allowing her to experience, but Id like to think that we made one last connection before she left us. m_gallery_blog_id = "8001122"; I write this column every week, because right now, information is really all we have to protect ourselves against Alzheimer's disease. But if she lost them, then I can only hope that she lost, too, the bitter memories of wartime and the hard years of struggle afterwards. The blow to Grandmas sense of self-worth was hard to recover from. Theres no filter. Ive edited it a bit because I wrote it to read out: My grandmother, Susan Sugiyama, was a woman I would like to honor today with my memories of her. Everyone told her that it was okay for her to go home but her stubborn little body just kept fighting. I was devastated, but also relieved for the permission to mourn what I had lost so many years earlier. She also boiled shiitake mushrooms which doesnt smell good to kids and to this day I cant eat shiitake. Very late in her illness, when she had lost much of her mobility and was about to go into nursing care, she was still having her home health aide drive her to the houses of shut-ins to deliver them communion. It was about the kind of person you were and the difference you made in the lives of others. But Im fairly sure Grandma Pat would disagree. In March, I wrote in Slow Motion: The Alzheimers Grieving Process: Alzheimers disease creates such a bizarre and unfair grieving process for families. This hits me close to home as my own grandmother recently passed away after suffering with dementia for a decade or so. They say that ones deep childhood memories are the last to leave a brain invaded by Alzheimers, in part because they are literally embodied in ones skin and bones. Thank you for your kind thoughts, I appreciate them. I believe that if the information is readily available, and consistently reinforced, it's possible to get through to people and to change behavior. As a child, he always associated the clippety-clop sound of her approaching shoes with a sense of comfort, a sign of someone coming to provide care and security. She was delicate and wild., Memorial Service Packet Dixie StuckyMemorial Service Packet Insert Page Dixie StuckyKnesek Funeral Home Obituary and Guestbook. They had to start from scratch; my mother remembers a cabin with dirt floors. Grandma and Grandpa set up a corner store in east Vancouver, which they kept open long hours. The next day, Saturday, June 22, 2013, I walked into her room with my dad. She had a fall on the 20th of December that fractured her pelvis and back, and she was in hospital. Wish I could have been there at the funeral. Mothers Day is a difficult time for my grandma and myself, since losing my mom to early onset Alzheimers disease four years ago. I couldnt tell anyone not at Christmas. I think that it would have been easy to sink into depression after the internment, or to be consumed with resentment and bitterness. I was the eldest, born at least 7 years before the next grandchild, so I commanded her attention, plus she was a fairly young grandmother with lots of energy for a young child. Your email address will not be published. I think that she became a fighter, for herself and for her family. She entered hospice care when I was pregnant with my first daughter and passed away, almost two years later, when I was pregnant with my second daughter. He was able to swallow (pureed foods) again and was talking to all of us and even telling jokes. A beauty blog full of makeup, reviews & more, Experiencing Toronto through the eyes of a surburbanite. She left quite a legacy for us and I just hope we can live up to her example. m_gallery_title = "Dementia cruelly, methodically took my mother\'s life"; Nicknames For Harley Girl, She looked after me a lot when I was young and my mother was establishing her career; I have very fond memories of the time I spent with her. 2023 Lauren Flake Grief & Texas, on Saying Goodbye to My Mother: Peace After Alzheimers Disease, Some Stars Shine: Happy Birthday, Baby Brother, Music in Memory: Country Gospel Funeral Songs, In Memory of My Mother: Funeral Songs For the Love of Dixie, Dear Mom: You Were My First Blessing For the Love of Dixie, Music in Memory: Country Gospel Funeral Songs For the Love of Dixie, Mother's Day: Somewhere in Between Us For the Love of Dixie, When Mother's Day is Hard - For the Love of Dixie, It Is Well with My Soul: Two Years Later - For the Love of Dixie, Living Bravely: Guest Post at Radically Broken - For the Love of Dixie, Guest Post Living Bravely | radicallybroken, Book Review: Forgiveness-Unforgiveness by Erin Olson - For the Love of Dixie, 5 Things Alzheimer's Taught Me about Motherhood - Lauren Flake, If Your Heart Is Just A Little Broken This Mother's Day - Lauren Flake - Grief & Texas, Why Mother's Day Is Filled with Grief (and Hope) for Me - Lauren Flake - Grief & Texas, 5 Things That Happen When You Lose Your Mom - Lauren Flake - Grief & Texas, When Mother's Day is Hard because You Lost Your Mom - Lauren Flake - Grief & Texas, Though I Walk through the Valley: 12 Days in Psalm 23 Devotional, Where Did My Sweet Grandma Go? This Grandsons Eulogy for His Grandmother Will Touch Your Heart and Make You Long for Yours. And many of us here today are the fruit of those prayers. When the funeral finally arrived, I felt like it was for everyone else. She knew my face and my name, and she knew that we had always been close, but I suspected that my grandmother no longer remembered what made us close like the many Saturday night sleepovers from my childhood, when wed go to one of her few pre-approved restaurants. Eulogy for Ellen, My Mother. My kids found this hilarious; Grandma couldnt remember to stop singing. Our last conversation was about Japan. 2. March 22, 2012December 11, 2012. I started reading your eulogy when you sent it, but read it today thoroughly. I vividly remember my last good visit with you, about a month before you died, when (my brother) Russell and I came to see you the day before Mothers Day. By Nina Badzin When I tell people that Grandma Pauline died last year at the age 96, the response is almost always some permutation of "You were blessed to have her for so long." That is true in the technical sense. Her usual way of greeting me these past few years has been to look at Harold and say, Well, look at this handsome young man is he one of us? That morning after church, Grandma looked at me and said, You keep preaching the word, young man. Im still not sure if she knew who I was but she knew who Jesus was, and she recognized his Word when she heard it. My mother, who had a way with words, might have said we were multivocal. Thus, I thought her eulogy should be multivocal as well, and I asked each sibling to help me by sharing a favorite memory or two that paid tribute to some of her values e.g., sacrifice, dedication, humility and a sense of humor. I just lost her 1st of january 2016. Her life was not easy and I think to be a mother fighting for your familys survival is difficult for your immediate relationships; but even after all that hardship and strife, there was enough softness left inside to give to her granddaughter. Filed Under: death, growing up, memories Tagged With: Aging, Alzheimer's, life lessons. m_gallery_creation_date = "Tuesday, April 26, 2016, 3:51 PM"; (Contributed photo). In many ways the community was destroyed; we dispersed to all parts of Canada, many reluctant to return to the coast where they felt betrayed by their neighbours. She told the same stories over and over, and as time went on closer and closer together. Wow,so touching and I cant stop reading. Beautiful. Tags: Dementia, Grandparent Loss, It's Complicated Dementia stole my grandmother long ago, leaving me to mourn her all over again when she died years later. Taylor Hawkins' son poured everything into each slam of the sticks. As everyone took stock of our familys past, I learned a surprising lesson: Memories borne through touch, taste, sound travel well. Grandma never heard my dad preach a mediocre sermon; 3. There are no lessons about 'The Art of Mothering' we can only do our best and hope that we do it well. She was always and forever an influencer. Lauren Flake is a wife, girl mom, native Austinite, seventh generation Texan, artist, author, and Alzheimer's daughter. Jameson Peter Mendes, Sure, several people offered to help here and there, helping my parents move houses, or more recently, going with me to visit my mother. I had no idea the next time I saw you, you would be unconscious on your deathbed. And am thinking of how to write my eulogy too. I recently lost my mother to Alzheimers. It wasnt until after she died that I was able to honor the memories she would have wanted me to keep, the vibrant ones, the ones unfettered by repetitive questions and painful moments of outright confusion. And so on this day, as we honor Pat Thunes life and legacy, I find myself thankful for and challenged by her cheerful optimism, her sanctified pride, and her genuine love for Christ. We shared a hotel room, and as we both got up early, we walked the beach at Waikiki every morning and then Grandma took me to a cafe for breakfast, a different one every day. And in her later years, when the more complex aspects of her personality had faded, her joyful faith in Jesus remained. I believe that I enjoyed a tenderness from her that her own daughters perhaps did not get; she was dedicated to protecting them, and her war experiences made her fierce in her protectiveness. You Are Only as Good as the People You Surround Yourself With, By Jamie Kolnick in My Loss, Personal Essays. The words of the Bible rolled off her tongue with ease. what do restaurateurs do when they're not working? I was reading Anne of Green Gables for the first time, and Grandma allowed me to chatter to her nonstop about this landmark book which she hadnt read. I had deja vu from watching my mother in her final days and months of Alzheimers disease. But she was confused in large groups and had trouble keeping track of the names of what I suspect she considered the extra characters in her life, like our spouses and her great-grandchildren. Tweets by @ModernLoss It felt inappropriate to mourn Grandma Pauline, while she was still with us at least in the literal sense, but the spirit of her was so far away. For those of you who dont know me, my given name is Robert Harold Thune or Bobby, as my grandmother called me for my entire life. Tony Dearing may be reached at [email protected]. Perhaps the only silver lining was that the diseases slow progression gave my five siblings and me time to process her death, reflect on her life, and arrange an appropriate memorial service. 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